Small Snippets From Lupin's Daily Life
by Drummers
Summary: A(n expanding) set of humorous insights into Prof Lupin's daily life at Hogwarts.
1. The Remarkable Day

The Remarkable Day Professor Lupin Was Given Shoelaces  
  
'Whoops-a-daisy!'  
  
'That's okay, Professor Lupin, it wasn't your fault you tripped.'  
  
'Oh, frightfully sorry, really am.'  
  
'No, no, not to worry, dear colleague, I think it was *me* who made *you* fall!'  
  
'Sorry, there, Severus, can't help it, I've been tripping all over the place this morning.'  
  
'Perhaps,' the Potions Master said silkily through slightly pursed lips, 'it would be advisable that you tie your shoelaces.'  
  
'But -- I haven't got any shoelaces!' cried Professor Remus Lupin. 'Never had any!'  
  
'Never?' asked his colleagues slightly incredulous.  
  
'Never,' confirmed the dear Professor Defence. They all eyed him, still a little unsettled about the news anyone could have done a lifetime without shoelaces.  
  
'Well then, Remus, you can have mine,' said Professor Dumbledore benignly, 'since I see no need for me to wear shoes.'  
  
'I do,' muttered Snape, clenching his nose, as Dumbledore took off his shoes and handed Lupin his laces.  
  
Lupin seemed stunned, then said, 'Ah, purple, yes, that matches well with all the earthy and green tones of my wardrobe. Just one problem. My shoes weren't made to be worn with laces.' 


	2. The Day Everything Was Dull On Hogwarts

The Day Everything Was Very Dull On Hogwarts, With The Exception Of Lupin  
  
On a dull afternoon, people do dull things. Dull people do even more dull things then they usually do.  
  
Professor Flitwick was busying himself with his stamp-collection, Professor McGonagall was humming while she was cleaning the House Cup and Professor Dumbledore was sorting out his socks.  
  
But an afternoon is never dull when your name is Remus Lupin.  
  
No, Professor Remus Lupin had the time of his life, on this for other people so unusually dull and boring afternoon.  
  
'Heeeeeeeing, Heeeeeeeeeeing. Uuuu! U-uuu!'  
  
Let's see what the Professor is up to.  
  
Remus Lupin was sitting cross-legged on the floor in his study, and that was how Snape found him, making voices and sounds, all the while playing with a chipped tea mug and a small log.  
  
'Watch it there, I was going to cross the street, you Mr In-Your-Lorry!' Lupin made the mug say, making little movements with it. 'Sorry, Mr Automobile, I didn't see you!' Lupin made the log say, moving it in the same way as he had moved the mug.  
  
Snape coughed, and Lupin finally looked up. 'Oh, hello there, Severus!' he said innocently, not even trying to hide the two objects of his so obvious delight.  
  
'I've come to bring back the book you had lend me,' Snape said stiffly, all the while attempting not to look at Lupin's toys.  
  
'Ah, yes, put it on my desk, would you?' Lupin asked, as if it was the most natural thing in the world for him to sit on the floor like that. Snape did as he was asked and quickly backed away, out of the office, only to hear a small 'thank you' as he reached the stairs back to the first floor.  
  
'Oh, Professor Snape,' said Harry Potter, who was just making his way up. 'Is Professor Lupin in his office?'  
  
'Yes, he is,' answered Snape, finding himself again. 'But I must warn you: he has gone insane. He is playing with a mug and a log.'  
  
'Oooooh,' said Harry Potter, his eyes shining, his face bright with excitement, 'now I can ask him if I can join in! My pen case would be a perfect bus!'  
  
Snape, understandably, locked himself in, in his office, for the remainder of the day. 


	3. The Infamous Dinner Party With The Schoo...

The Infamous Dinner Party With The School Board  
  
The day of the year had come again, that the Hogwarts staff invited the members of the school board over for a special dinner.  
  
Professor Dumbledore had hoped Lucius Malfoy would not show up - as he officially wasn't a member anymore - but somehow someone had passed him an invitation. Severus Snape wouldn't be getting any new socks for Christmas this year, that much was certain.  
  
Lucius Malfoy stood in a peaceful corner of the dining room, scrutinising the menu.  
  
'Boeuf d'Hippogriffe au Sauce de Truffe.' murmured Lucius. 'Surely, these low-lives must have heard of Witch Weekly's Weight Watching Project?'  
  
He was interrupted in his culinary thoughts by someone saying, 'Hello!' quite loudly into his ear. He turned and saw it was an extremely shabby young man with greying hair.  
  
'I don't believe we've met yet,' said the shabby man, extending a hand, 'my name is Remus Lupin. I'm the new teacher Defence Against the Dark Arts.'  
  
Lucius eyed the extended hand suspiciously. 'Are you? I thought you were something else, something *quite* different?'  
  
Lupin grew pale. 'That's true,' he said, 'but, don't worry, it's not contagious. At least, not by handshake.'  
  
'Ah!' shrieked Lucius. 'Aha! That's it, isn't it? You want me to shake hands with you, because you have something that IS contagious!'  
  
Lupin looked at him, frowning, then said, 'As if. Don't be so paranoid, it's only a handshake.'  
  
'Ha! That's what you say!' Lucius now cried hysterically. 'Ha! Ha! But I see you through, you monster, you - '  
  
'That's quite enough, Lucius,' Snape's soft voice came, as he caught Lucius's arm. 'I'll take that wine glass from you, now shall I?' He looked at Lupin, who had a very strange expression on his face.  
  
'If I so much as hear that you've breathed one word of this to anyone - I mean ANYONE - there won't be any Potion for you for a month, and you know what that means,' Snape hissed threateningly.  
  
'That's okay,' said Lupin in a low, conspiratorial sort of voice. 'You know, you really miss things, if you don't come to the pub a little more often. These kind of things happen all the time between Flitwick and Filch.'  
  
And Lucius chose that exact moment to empty the contents of his stomach over Snape's robes. 


	4. The Intriguing Secret Of Severus Snape

The Intriguing Secret Of Severus Snape, Slytherin And Potions Master  
  
It was one of those days that Professor Remus Lupin really, REALLY needed his Wolfsbane Potion. He felt queer and the fleas seemed more and more attracted by him. So, naturally, he went to the source of the Potion, since the source didn't come to him.  
  
Scratching his ear with one of his feet, he knocked on the door to the Potions Master's office, and heard an affirmative, 'Come in,' from the other side.  
  
Snape was busy in his office, and he looked as if he was in a rush, since he greeted Lupin on the very doorstep.  
  
'What can I do for you, Lupin?' enquired the Potions Master, trying to block Lupin's view into the office.  
  
'I would like to have my Potion, Professor,' said Lupin, trying to see round Snape.  
  
'Oh, I see,' said Snape, and he tried to say more, but he was interrupted by someone behind him, calling, 'Master, I'm a bit uncomfortable, could I please sit in a different position?'  
  
Snape turned firstly pale, then deep red, and sharply turned around on his heels. 'What had I asked you?' he roared to someone, who, as Lupin now saw, was a student, obviously very uncomfortably bound to a chair. 'I told you to HOLD YOUR TONGUE!!!'  
  
'Hello, Patrick,' said Lupin, waving friendly at the bound student. Snape now rounded back on Lupin.  
  
'You keep yourself out of this!' he hissed at him.  
  
'Naturally,' replied Lupin airily. 'Now, my Potion.'  
  
'Yes, yes.' Snape snapped his fingers and the leather straps around the boy's naked body fell to the floor. 'You can go,' he said to the student, who quickly picked up his clothes and left.  
  
'I'll get it, you stay here,' Snape told Lupin, and he went into a smaller room to the left.  
  
Lupin waited. A minute. Two minutes. Five minutes. Ten minutes. What took the alleged Master so long? Lupin (being naturally curious like a child) couldn't take it any longer, and took a peek into the storage room into which the Potions Master had disappeared.  
  
It appeared the Master kept another person tied to a chair; Lupin couldn't quite see who, as the Master's slightly billowing black robes hid the captivated person's head.  
  
Only as the Master moved into another position, Lupin saw who it was. His jaw dropped. He knew that person! But - it had been the last person he'd expected in such Masterly treatment! Nevertheless, it seemed rude not to greet them.  
  
'Hello, Headmaster,' said Lupin, raising his hand to wave feebly. 


	5. The Tale Of The Faithful Pen

The Tale Of The Faithful Pen  
  
Ever since he could remember, Remus Lupin had been writing with a pen. Not a quill, since they were, in his opinion, unhandy, even more so because he was left handed. No, Remus Lupin preferred his old-fashioned pen, which he had to dip into a small inkpot at his left, as to be able to write corrective, spirited and helpful comments on the students' homework.  
  
But new things, in time, grow old, as did this pen of his. After twenty years of faithful service, it decided it was time for retirement. In other words: it began to splatter, blotch and spill.  
  
Lupin noticed this when he had just started correcting some seventh year Hufflepuff's work.  
  
'Oh, bugger,' he said, looking at the tip of the pen, which appeared to have split a little more then it ought to have. But, as he had no way of replacing the pen, he decided to try and write on.  
  
'What you write here - BLOTCH! - may be very true - BLOTCH! - but I see no evidence in your - SPLATTER! - arguments and texts.'  
  
'Oh, bugger,' Lupin said again, apparently not so eloquent when it comes to cursing. He took a bit of spare parchment and tried to make the blotches and splatters dry up a little faster, but to no avail. He only smeared them out, making his writing illegible. He repressed the urge to say 'Oh, bugger,' once more.  
  
He put the pen aside and rummaged through the drawers of his desk, in search of some replacement. He found two ballpoints and a pencil. He tried one of the pens, but threw it away, as it was empty. The second ballpoint appeared to work.  
  
'Seeing,' he began to write, 'that you first say here that vampires can't stand garlic, I think it's somewhat strange to then try to argue that Vlad Dracul's favourite dish contained a lot of .' He never got to write what Vlad Dracul's favourite dish contained, as the pen's ink faded, until nothing came out anymore. He scratched it a few times on a piece of spare parchment, but it wouldn't help.  
  
So he took up the pencil, which had a neat, sharp point. This cheered him up a little, and he sat again to work, in the back of his mind realising he had no sharpener.  
  
He scribbled on merrily, until he reached the last essay.  
  
'In the context of the age, I think it's quite impossible for this wizard to have a - ' CRACK!  
  
'Ooooh,' Lupin moaned, looking at where the point of the pencil should have been. 'Bugger!' 


	6. The Day Remus Lupin Finally Got Bored

The Day Remus Lupin Finally Got Bored  
  
Remus Lupin was bored. He was very, very bored. He was so bored, that even he didn't know what to do, anymore.  
  
He was sitting on the floor of his office, his chipped mug in one hand, his small log in the other, and he just *didn't know what to do*.  
  
Just then, he heard some noise outside his office. Lupin could distinguish two voices. The first was clearly Snape's; he sounded annoyed. The second was a boy's voice. Lupin listened carefully.  
  
Suddenly, someone opened the door to his office. Lupin was so taken by surprise that he fell over, and had to rummage around until he was presentable again.  
  
There, before him, stood the Boy Who Lived, Harry Potter himself, looking down on him through those large glasses of his.  
  
'Hello Professor,' Harry said. 'Professor Snape said you were here, playing with a chipped mug and a log. Is that true?'  
  
'Well,' said Lupin, scratching his head, 'I *am* here, but I'm not playing anymore.'  
  
Harry's face fell. 'That's a pity. I just wanted to ask if I could join.'  
  
'Really?' Lupin asked, brightening up. 'Do you have any inspiration?'  
  
'Actually, yeah,' said Harry, now flopping down on the floor opposite Lupin. 'Can I be the log?'  
  
'Sure, sure,' said Lupin, handing him the log. 'So, what's your idea?'  
  
'Well, I thought, I could be a Chaser and you could be a Keeper,' opted Harry.  
  
'Ooooh, that's really nice! Miniature Quidditch!' squealed Lupin.  
  
And that was how they spent the rest of the afternoon, until Professors McGonagall and Sinistra dragged them down for dinner. 


	7. The Day Remus Lupin Drove Every One Else...

The Day Remus Lupin Drove Everyone Else Insane With His Hyperactive Joyfulness  
  
'Good morning, Professor McGonagall,' beamed Remus Lupin. 'How are you?'  
  
'Shut up,' said Professor McGonagall through gritted teeth.  
  
'And a good morning to you, too, Professor Snape,' remarked Lupin smiling brightly, now turning to Snape and ignoring McGonagall's unpleasantness.  
  
'Get away from me,' hissed Snape, turning his back to Lupin.  
  
'Oh, and hello and good morning to you, Professor Dumbledore,' said ignorant little Lupin, waving frantically at the Headmaster.  
  
'Hold your tongue and stop waving, you idiot,' replied Dumbledore, his eyebrows one long low line.  
  
Still, it was as if nothing mattered to Lupin. He kept beaming and looking around pleasantly, waving at people and greeting everyone he knew.  
  
'What's wrong with you?' asked Snape finally, when everyone else had gone slightly mad over Lupin's cheer.  
  
'Nothing, Severus, nothing, I tell you!' answered Lupin, waving at Hagrid and Hooch, who were passing, playing horse and rider, Hagrid steering Hooch around the Great Hall.  
  
But Snape - by nature a suspicious soul - didn't think it could be nothing, because, as he was thinking it over, Professor Sinistra came by on a pogo- stick and Professor McGonagall was playing the bagpipes in a kilt.  
  
'Could you please, all be quiet for a moment!' he bellowed, after not being able to think straight for two whole seconds. Everyone went quiet, though Dumbledore was still trying to sneak under McGonagall's kilt. 'Thank you,' said Snape.  
  
He reached for Lupin's mug, which was supposed to contain normal coffee, as was usual. Snape sniffed and drew his conclusions instantaneously. He looked around the Great Hall, spying everyone present.  
  
'Who gave Lupin an extra-extra-extra strong coffee with extra-extra-extra- extra sugar?' 


	8. The Unlikely Day Remus Lupin Went To Vis...

The Unlikely Day Remus Lupin Went To Visit Malfoy Mansion  
  
It was a very unlikely thing to do for Remus Lupin, but he needed to pay a visit to Malfoy Mansion, to have a talk about Draco's result. His results were, to put it in one word, abysmal. And Lupin had the unpleasant task to tell his parents.  
  
Lucius Malfoy opened the door personally, since the Malfoys no longer had a House Elf.  
  
'Welcome,' he drawled, leaning on the doorpost, dressed in a morning coat with panther design. Apparently, this was tastefulness, according to Lucius.  
  
'Thank you,' said Lupin, doubting whether he really was, but still entering.  
  
Lucius led him to a room upstairs, which was so obviously NOT his study.  
  
'So sorry, I still need to clear up this mess before my wife comes home,' he drawled, indicating several young, undressed women on a large four- poster.  
  
'That's okay, take your time,' said Lupin, blushing and looking away.  
  
It took Lucius some time to direct the women back into their cages, since some of them didn't speak any English, but, Lucius ensured Lupin, 'That's not a bother, since I didn't buy them to talk.'  
  
'Sooo,' drawled Lucius, 'what can I do for you? Would you like a tour round the house?'  
  
'Eh,' said Lupin, and Lucius took him by the arm, saying, 'Of course you would. I knew it.' Lupin felt increasingly uncomfortable.  
  
Lucius showed Lupin several large rooms, opening the doors, popping his head round the corner and saying what room it was, not leaving Lupin any time to have a look.  
  
At last, Lupin was able to slip in through the gap between Lucius and the doorpost.  
  
'What's this?' he asked immediately, pointing at a rather strange umbrella- hanger, which was currently holding Lucius's cane and looked like an odd man with long hair and a shirt with many frills.  
  
'That is so NOT Laurence Llewelyn Bowen,' said Lucius, jumping before the odd man. 'I so NOT Stunned him when he came to re-decorate my playroom.'  
  
'Right,' said Lupin slowly, deciding it was time to go. 'Thank you very much for this grand tour of Malfoy Mansion. I'll show myself out, if you don't mind.'  
  
Lupin only stopped running when his sides were stitching and he'd made the distance between him and Lucius Malfoy some three miles. 


	9. The Day Lupin Wanted To Teach A Class Ab...

The Day Lupin Wanted To Teach A Class About Dark Herbs But Accidentally Handed Out An Aphrodisiac  
  
"Severus," Lupin asked his colleague, "could you lend me some Dark Herbs? I'm still looking for one."  
  
"Yes, yes, alright," said Snape absent-mindedly, poring over a cauldron and grabbing for the list Lupin handed him. He tore his gaze from the simmering potion to read the list.  
  
"Ah, yes, I have that one in stock, I believe." murmured Snape, reaching for a shelve hidden in the semi-dark of his storage cupboard. "Here you are." He handed Lupin a small, labelled vial.  
  
"Thank you very much, I'll return it when I'm finished, okay?" said Lupin, delighted.  
  
"Yes, very well," said Snape irritably, scrutinising his potion again and motioning Lupin to leave, which the gentle DADA Professor, of course, did.  
  
The following morning, Lupin strolled into his classroom to find the students neatly seated already.  
  
"Good morning, everyone!" he started the introduction. "Today's class will be about Dark Herbs. Now, I've brought a specimen of one with me, but as it's been dried, it will do you no harm. Lavender, could you please hand it out? Every table just a little bit."  
  
He handed the small vial to Lavender Brown, who started to go round the tables to hand the herb out. Lupin smiled as several students sniffed the small tuft of dried, purple material and pulled faces at the smell. He didn't notice anything strange about his students, until Lavender came swaying back to the front of the classroom and Seamus and Dean started kissing very passionately indeed, all in a sudden.  
  
"Lavender," said Lupin, sounding slightly alarmed, "come here quickly, would you?"  
  
"Of course, Professor," said Lavender obediently, though with a strange hint in her voice. "Or can I call you Remus?"  
  
Lupin looked around in stress and slight panic, as the children now also started to make out on the tables and the floor. His jaw dropped.  
  
"Professor?" said Lavender tentatively, now standing nearer to him, and - in his opinion - too close for comfort.  
  
"Yes, can I have that vial back, please?" Lupin asked, but, rather than waiting for a reply, snatched it from her hand and rushed out of the classroom.  
  
In the hall he took his time to examine the vial, carefully taking notice not to sniff it. Only then, he saw what was wrong.  
  
Instead of 'Acrophiliac', Snape's small, neat handwriting spelled 'Aphrodisiac'. 


	10. The Day Lupin Accidentally Found Snape A...

A/N: Ha! Yes, I know you've been expecting an Author's note, just to check whether I'm really as insane as you thought. Well, let me tell you, I'm not, and I'm not on a sugar-kick (since I'm dieting), and I haven't had an extra-extra-extra strong coffee with extra-extra-extra-extra much sugar, either. I've only had an overdose of fanfiction.  
  
Anyway, what I really wanted to say was this: This chapter has been dedicated to the Duchess of Inkling, for liking my summary of M.H. Abrams's relevant entries from the Glossary of Literary Terms, and including me in one of her Lucius-stories. Cheers!  
  
The Day Lupin Accidentally Found Snape At It Again In His Secret Dungeon Bondage Room  
  
Lupin hastily went down the steps into the dungeons, hurrying towards Snape's private rooms to get an antidote against the symptoms his students were suffering from, resulting from a wrongly administered aphrodisiac. In other words, it wasn't Lupin's fault, and he was going to kick some Potion Master Arse.  
  
As Snape was neither in his office or his bedroom, nor in the classroom (which was filled with apparently drugged seventh years), Lupin went to search for him in the oddest places, until - after visiting two loos and a broom cupboard - he reached a dungeon room deep under the castle. Everything was clad in darkness, but from this room, a soft light of torches was emitted. Carefully, Lupin entered.  
  
There, in the wavering torchlight, Lupin saw the strangest thing he'd seen so far. The room was filled to the rim with strange torturing devices, and in the middle of it all stood a bed, upon which a naked, seventh year Slytherin girl was bound. He recognised her, relieved.  
  
"Oh, hello, Hanna, have you by chance seen Professor Snape?" he asked her, feeling he was to find the man shortly.  
  
"Lupin?!" shrieked someone behind him. "What are YOU doing here? Get out!" It was Snape, dressed in latex.  
  
"Oh," said Lupin, brightening up, "hello, Severus, I just wanted to return that Acrophiliac to you - by the way, it was the wrong stuff - it was an Aphrodisiac."  
  
"Oooh," said Snape, looking shocked, "how could that have gotten into my storage rooms?"  
  
"I wonder." mused Lupin, eyeing the girl on the bed. 


	11. The Day Lupin Was So Curious He Went Int...

A/N: Okay, this story is a little longer than the others, but it still makes no sense and gets you what the title promises. Have fun and be confused!  
  
The Day Lupin Was So Curious He Went Into An Internet Café And Engaged Himself In A Chatroom Conversation With People He Didn't Recognise At First  
  
Remus Lupin was walking through the pouring rain, down the streets of London, without an umbrella, which was, of course, very stupid. Because Lupin is not THAT stupid, he went to look for a place to stay until it went dry.  
  
He passed a small dingy café, and slowed down.  
  
'Internet Café - In The Magical Net' it read on the window. Curious and soaking, Lupin decided to go in and see what it was all about.  
  
The café was larger than it had appeared to be on the outside; it looked even cosy, and Lupin was certain it had something to do with the man in the green robes and the pointed hat behind a counter.  
  
"Hello," said the man behind the counter, "can I help you? Are you here for the first time?"  
  
"Yes," answered Lupin, "and yes. What's all this internet busyness about?"  
  
"Oh, it's some Muggle invention, but it can be useful and very entertaining," said the man behind the counter. "Let me show you."  
  
He led Lupin to a free computer, and explained briefly how everything worked. He left when Lupin started to get the hang of it, and decided to go to . He picked a name and entered the chatroom.  
  
{(S)MoonGazer MoonHowler(S) has entered the Profchatroom}  
  
(S)MoonGazer MoonHowler(S) says: Hello everyone!  
  
O.oEyeball says: Who are you??? How did you get in here??? I'm certain I was vigilant enough.!!!!  
  
PurrKitty76 says: Dear me, is it a bad thing for someone new to enter? Hello, (S)MoonGazer MoonHowler(S), be welcome!  
  
(S)MoonGazer MoonHowler(S) says: Thank you!  
  
{VertEtArgent has entered the Profchatroom}  
  
PurrKitty76 says: Oh, hello, we've been waiting for you!  
  
VertEtArgent says: Oh gods, no. .  
  
(S)MoonGazer MoonHowler(S) says: Hello there, who are you?  
  
VertEtArgent says: Can't you bloody read???!!!  
  
*HotHouse* says: apparently not.  
  
PurrKitty76 says: Aaaw, don't be mean, I'm sure he's okay. Aren't you Gazy/Howly?  
  
VertEtArgent says: She's actually addressing you, newbie.  
  
(S)MoonGazer MoonHowler(S) says: really? Oh, I need to go, see you!!  
  
{(S)MoonGazer MoonHowler(S) has left the Profchatroom}  
  
VertEtArgent says: Good, that's gone. what did you want to tell again, last time, about those dogs and the rabbit?  
  
"Are you amusing yourselves?" asked the robed owner of the café, who came to bring Lupin a cup of tea.  
  
"Yes, but I really don't get those people in the chatrooms. They're not really having a conversation, are they?" marked Lupin, looking away from the screen.  
  
"No, not really," said the owner, slightly amused. "You know, it's funny when you actually KNOW who those people are, without them knowing who YOU are."  
  
"Really?" said Lupin, interested. "What about the people in this Profchatroom?"  
  
"Ah," said the owner, smiling broadly. "Yes, they're the Hogwarts staff. Their names are quite obvious, really."  
  
"Yes," said Lupin thoughtfully, "now you mention it."  
  
{ChocolateLollipop has entered the Profchatroom}  
  
PurrKitty76 says: .and so he thought I was a real female cat.  
  
!Coot! says: That's just gross!!!!!!!  
  
ChocolateLollipop says: Hi every1!!!!!  
  
HaggeR says: ow, hullo  
  
TwistedTeacup says: who R U?  
  
ChocolateLollipop says: I'm a 29 yrs old girl, 5'6, blonde, blue eyes, searching for a date!!!  
  
!Coot! says: how big R ur boobz?  
  
ChocolateLollipop says: 2 large hands full each!!  
  
HaggeR says: LOL!  
  
*HotHouse* says: that's not funny, don't make a j0ke!  
  
ChocolateLollipop says: I'm not j0king, really!  
  
!Coot! says: can I have Ur pic???!!  
  
VertEtArgent says: how much are you?  
  
{PurrKitty76 has left the Profchatroom} {*HotHouse* has left the Profchatroom} {TwistedTeacup has left the Profchatroom}  
  
ChocolateLollipop says: 65/h.  
  
HaggeR says: Holy F**k! ah don' have the money!  
  
!Coot! says: would u share???!!  
  
Lupin doubled over in his chair with silent laughter. Some people were so easily deceived!  
  
ChocolateLollipop says: sure. How long would u want me and where?  
  
VertEtArgent says: tonight, Hogwarts dungeons, eight sharp, till 'bout twelve.  
  
!Coot! says: yeah, then u'd 've had the time to do the 3 of us!!!  
  
HaggeR says: h00r@h!  
  
{ChocolateLollipop has left the Profchatroom}  
  
"Oh man, these people are really stupid," Lupin told the owner, as he came to bring him another cup of tea.  
  
"Yeah, I know," said the owner, grinning. "You know what's more stupid? Some people in that corner fear they won't have their whore-orgy tonight, 'cause their date's left their chatroom!"  
  
Lupin uneasily looked around his screen, to the corner the owner indicated. There, in a tight group, sat the entire Hogwarts staff, clicking and ticking fervently. Lupin gulped, then thought of something. "Could you do something for me?" he asked the owner.  
  
A little later, the Hogwarts staff was approached by the owner with a large number of lollipops.  
  
"I would like to present these chocolate lollipops to you," said he to the stunned Hogwarts staff, "on the behalf of that gentleman, there."  
  
Snape, Hagrid and Dumbledore queasily turned to see a cheery Lupin waving at them from behind his screen, chewing a chocolate lollipop. 


	12. The Day Lupin Had To Make Someone Do Det...

The Day Lupin Had To Make Someone Do Detention For Giving Him A Too Strong Coffee With Far Too Much Sugar  
  
It was seven o'clock in the evening, and Remus Lupin was busy in his study, waiting for someone to do a detention with him.  
  
There was a knock on the door. "Come in," said Lupin mildly, rising from his desk to meet the miscreant.  
  
Draco Malfoy, a third year Slytherin, entered his office with a face like a fiddle. "Father will hear of this," he muttered.  
  
"Of course he will," said Lupin pleasantly, smiling and slapping his hands together. "And he'll be very pleased to hear you've had an excellent detention for offending and physically harming one of your teachers!"  
  
Malfoy looked up at Lupin. How and WHY was the man so over-joyous? Surely, he hadn't had another cup of coffee? Malfoy's pale blue eyes flitted to Lupin's desk, on which sat a harmless cup of tea.  
  
"Well now, Mr Malfoy," said Lupin. "Why don't you sit down? I'll get you a cup of tea."  
  
Malfoy sat down hesitantly, not certain what would be next. Would Lupin bind him to a chair, like Snape? "But sir, what about my detention?"  
  
"Ooooh," said Lupin, squeezing his eyes closed as if he was a cartoon character. "You'll see, you'll see!"  
  
Malfoy was definitely NOT happy.  
  
When Lupin returned from another room with Malfoy's cup of tea, he also brought along a rather strange thing, which Malfoy recognised as a Muggle stereo set. "Sir, what are you going to do with that?" Malfoy asked tentatively.  
  
Lupin grinned broadly. "We're going to have a karaoke-detention!" he said, his eyes shining with glee. Malfoy thought he was going to die.  
  
When Snape came to pick Malfoy up after curfew, Lupin and Malfoy had been singing Celine Dion songs in horrible, high-pitched voices for some three hours. Snape noticed he had to drag Malfoy - who was in a stupor - back down to the dungeons, and he had to administer a large amount of Calming Draught, before the boy stopped saying, "He meant it. He meant it!" 


	13. The Day Lupin Suggested To Go To Cadbury...

The Day Lupin Suggested To Go To Cadbury World For The Teachers' Day Out  
  
The teachers sat together in the staffroom, discussing where they would be going on this year's teachers' day out, which would take place in December.  
  
"I'd love to go to London," said Sinistra. "It'd be great to do our Christmas shopping there."  
  
"How about Brighton? A little bit of seaside?" suggested Sprout.  
  
"With this weather?" asked McGonagall, not at all pleased. "I'd rather go a day to Hawaii."  
  
"And now for something we might all enjoy," interrupted Snape, Dumbledore nodding next to him.  
  
"How - how about - " stuttered Lupin insecurely.  
  
"Yes?" said everyone, turning to him.  
  
"Well, I thought," said Lupin, fidgeting, "Perhaps it's a nice idea to, erm, well, to visit a theme park."  
  
Everyone stared at him, and Snape started to laugh.  
  
"A what? A theme park?" said Flitwick. "What kind of theme park were you thinking of?"  
  
"Well, it's not really a theme park, strictly speaking," mumbled Lupin.  
  
"Go on, speak up!" rumbled Hagrid from his private sofa.  
  
"Very well," said Lupin, finding his resolve. "I was thinking it might be fun for us all to go to Cadbury World."  
  
They all blinked at him. Snape had stopped laughing and said, "You mean, Cadbury World of the Cadbury chocolate?"  
  
Lupin nodded.  
  
"Brilliant idea," Dumbledore had to admit. "There's only one tiny problem."  
  
"No!" shrieked Lupin.  
  
"Yes, I'm afraid," said Dumbledore. "It's not open in this time of year."  
  
Lupin, comprehensibly, cried himself to sleep that night. 


	14. The Day Lupin Had To Attend A Teachers' ...

The Day Lupin Had To Attend A Teachers' Meeting On A Possible Yule Ball To Which Snape Objected  
  
"Order, order," Dumbledore shouted, hammering the table with a large coffee mug. Everyone went quiet. "All right, let's go over this ONE MORE TIME."  
  
"Well, as I said," McGonagall picked her narrative up again, "I was thinking it would be a nice idea to finally have a Yule Ball - last time was - when? Last Triwizard Tournament?"  
  
"That's correct," wheezed Binns. "Over a few lifetimes ago."  
  
There was a murmur of agreement. "Let's have a ball, Albus, it's great fun," said Sprout.  
  
"No it's not," said Snape all in a sudden, very angry. "Have you ever paid close attention to the decorations in the Hall and the corridors during the weeks before Christmas?"  
  
"Of course I have," said Sprout indignantly. "I'm one of the decorators!"  
  
"Let me tell you a universal truth about those decorations: they are all - yes ALL, no exceptions - red, gold or blue," said Snape, counting the three colours on his fingers. "It's not fair; even the decorations are biased!"  
  
"That's not true," argued Sprout. "All the plants, like the Christmas trees and the holly are green!"  
  
Snape pouted, then huffed. "That doesn't count."  
  
"Well," said Lupin, mixing himself into the argument, "Then why don't we decorate the Hall in greens this year?"  
  
"Yeah, right," sneered Snape. "Have you ever seen Father Christmases dressed entirely in green?"  
  
"Er, no," Lupin had to admit.  
  
"Well, neither have I, because it looks ridiculous," said Snape.  
  
Lupin's face fell. "Oh. Pity."  
  
Snape just couldn't stop himself from hitting Lupin over the head after this remark. 


	15. The Day Lupin Celebrated His Birthday

The Day Lupin Celebrated His Birthday And Got The Most Rotten Presents From His Colleagues And Friends  
  
It was very early in the morning of Remus Lupin's birthday. Lupin was decorating his office with guirlandes and other silly birthday decorations. He was going to celebrate his birthday, and everyone should know!  
  
He had planned some games for his colleagues and friends, he had a huge amount of sweets and cake and he hoped to do some karaoke.  
  
At breakfast, he was congratulated by most of his colleagues, except Snape, who appeared to have forgotten. When the mail arrived, he looked out for his birthday cards, and he got many, most from students.  
  
'Dear Professor Lupin,' read one card, 'Happy birthday! We hope to be able to enjoy your classes for many more years to come! We wish you a happy day, many green dresses and support stockings - though no Boggarts! Greets, the Gryffindor third years.' The card was signed by Lavender, Parvati, Seamus, Dean, Neville, Hermione, Harry and Ron. Lupin beamed down at the card fondly.  
  
The most remarkable card he got wasn't really signed. It was an odd card, just a piece of parchment, really, which was folded in half. On the cover was a clumsy sketch of a birthday cake and a few presents, inside it read, 'I know this doesn't make up for the lost years. Forgive me, I'll send you a real present soon. S.' Lupin gulped, put the card carefully away in his pocket and proceeded to the next.  
  
Arthur and Molly Weasley had been kind enough to send him a present, too. It contained some self baked biscuits with chocolate covers and a pair of green with brown mittens. Lupin was very happy with them.  
  
That afternoon, just after class, his colleagues came together in his office to celebrate his birthday.  
  
McGonagall gave Lupin a book called 'How To Get A Proper Girlfriend', by Inez Sutton. Lupin grinned uneasily at McGonagall, who winked back.  
  
Snape, even, had come with a present.  
  
"Oh, a present from you, Severus?" squealed Lupin, who liked presents.  
  
"Yes, from me," said Snape, pushing a small package into Lupin's hands. "Here you are."  
  
Lupin tore the flimsy gift wrap off. "Ah, thank you," he said slightly disappointed, looking at his present. "A pair of purple socks, decorated with bright pink My Little Ponies. How very - nice."  
  
"Severus!" exclaimed Dumbledore angrily. "I gave you those socks last Christmas!"  
  
"Oh dear," mumbled Lupin, as a full blown catfight broke loose between the Headmaster and the Potions Master.  
  
The next present came from Hooch, who gave him a miniature broom, which vibrated if you pushed on one of the varied buttons. Lupin was in ecstasy.  
  
"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" he said, hugging Hooch closely to him.  
  
As Lupin dashed off to get his guests some chocolate milk, Hooch assured McGonagall, "I really tried to find the lousiest present possible!"  
  
As soon as he could get his guests away, Lupin Flooed the Gryffindor common room."  
  
"Hi, Harry," he said gleefully from the fire. "Would you like to come and play? I've got a substitute for the old log!" 


	16. The Day Lupin Went To Buy Clothes

A/N: Health Warning: This story contains a cameo. A guest appearance for my former (and blissfully unaware) Literature tutor. Give him a hug when you see him!  
  
The Day Lupin Went To Buy Clothes In A Slightly Confusing Dutch Shop  
  
Lupin desperately needed new clothes, and since he had been advised to go to a cheep Dutch shop, he did so, because, although he didn't know about Dutch, he did like 'cheep'.  
  
It was an odd sort of shop, with all kinds of abnormal, cheep clothes. There were trousers in every colour imaginable, jumpers made out of the oddest fabrics and shirts with obscure band names.  
  
Lupin was just looking at himself in the mirror just outside the changing rooms, when another man stepped out from behind the curtain next to Lupin's. He was wearing a pair of bright, yellowish kind of green trousers and a band shirt with colours of My Little Pony proportions.  
  
"How do you like this?" Lupin asked, hoping the not-so-very-tall, side- burned man knew some English. He pointed at his army green flannel trousers and wine red woollen jumper.  
  
The man looked him up and down, and his face split into a bright smile. "OooOoh," he said, in an American accent and a slightly squeaky voice, "that's tasteful!"  
  
Lupin smiled, now, too. "Your outfit's very nice, too," he said.  
  
"Thank you," squealed the other man. "You know, you should try something a bit more daring, too, like this pair of striped trousers."  
  
They tried on almost everything in the shop, and after Lupin had bought a pair of blue, striped trousers, a pair of bottle green tweed trousers, a pair of odd, wide jeans, two shirts with obscure band names, a black jumper, a blue hooded cardigan and a dark green jacket, they left.  
  
The rest of the afternoon, they spent in and out of pubs, laughing at everyone and anything, and each other in particular. They became bestest fwiends in the whole wide world. 


	17. The Day Lupin Woke Up To Find He Suddenl...

The Day Lupin Woke Up To Find He Suddenly Had The Cure Hair  
  
It was early in the morning, and Remus Lupin got out of his bed to brush his teeth. It was a Monday, and he would have to teach in a few hours' time.  
  
He got up, stretched, yawned, kicked his blankets off himself and stepped out of his den.  
  
He scratched his back and stumbled towards his bathroom. He didn't care to bother to put on anything more than the moth-eaten shirt and the ragged pyjama-trousers, since no-one ever came up to his private rooms this early.  
  
He pulled up his trousers twice before he reached his bathroom, as the elasticity of the band had quite evaporated some four years earlier.  
  
Lupin felt pretty bad; it had been Full Moon two nights back, and he was still recovering. He dared to throw a glance into the mirror - and dropped his toothbrush.  
  
Slowly blinking back at him was a young man with large, dark circles under his eyes and lines across his forehead that shouldn't have been there, yet. But the thing that really made Lupin stare at his own reflection was the unfamiliar haircut; he could have sworn he had stepped into his bed with an unkempt version of some silly early-seventies haircut, but now, somehow, his hair had managed to closely resemble Robert Smith's hair.  
  
Tentatively, he reached up to feel his hair, which apparently had been covered in some sticky, slimy substance of some sort. As he found it truly was his very own The Cure haircut, Lupin's face split into a grin and he decided to leave it at that.  
  
As soon as he was dressed and ready, he dashed downstairs for breakfast.  
  
He was soon disappointed over the fair exclusiveness of his styling; his face fell as he noticed EVERY SINGLE PERSON in the Great Hall had a The Cure cut, even a slightly disgruntled McGonagall. The only one still fully himself was Snape, looking around the Hall undisturbed, only huffing slightly at everyone's apparent lack of taste.  
  
"Hey," Lupin said, still hopping about excitedly, "you have The Cure hair, too! And you, too! And even you! How very curious!"  
  
"Curious, indeed," remarked Snape. "Are you aware of the fact you are probably the only one NOT minding his new hair?"  
  
"Oh," said Lupin disappointed. "That's a great pity." And with a large sigh and a flick of his wand, his hair was back its normal, dorky, standing-on- end self. 


	18. The Day Lupin Kept Talking

The Day Lupin Kept Talking In An American Accent And Couldn't Help It  
  
"So, what're we going to discuss today?" Lupin asked McGonagall, who was sitting next to him. She made a strange moment and looked at him, he mouth open.  
  
"What's wrong?" Lupin asked. Everyone suddenly went silent and looked round at him. "What?" he repeated.  
  
"You - you," Sprout mumbled, her eyes large and round. "You - you - you."  
  
"I think she means to say we are all somewhat surprised by the way you speak today," Snape translated his colleague, who flushed slightly.  
  
"What? What's wrong then?" Lupin asked, about as puzzled as his colleagues looked. "I don't hear anything strange."  
  
"I think I know what's wrong," said Dumbledore, stroking his beard and gazing gently at Lupin.  
  
"But what?" demanded Lupin. "Would you care to tell me what in the world's wrong?"  
  
Snape raised an eyebrow. "I think I understand it, too, Headmaster," he said softly.  
  
"Yes, yes," said Dumbledore, not looking away from Lupin.  
  
"But WHAT IS IT?" Lupin asked desperately. "I still don't get it!"  
  
"I believe you have been influenced by that little Dutch friend of yours," Snape explained. "You know, the one with the funny trousers."  
  
"But - " said Lupin, but Dumbledore said, "He speaks with an American accent, am I right?"  
  
"Yeah," said Lupin, still puzzled. "What's that got to do with it?"  
  
Snape and Dumbledore blinked at him, then Snape slowly said, "Lupin, YOU speak with an American accent, now, too."  
  
Lupin remained silent throughout the rest of the teachers' meeting. 


	19. The Day Lupin Was Thoroughly Bothered

A/N: This story involves 'bothering', something brilliantly captured in the Harry Potter Puppet Pals episodes. Check their LiveJournal.  
  
The Day Lupin Was Thoroughly Bothered By Some PARTICULARLY Bothersome Slytherin Third Year Students  
  
As soon as Lupin came down to breakfast that morning, he was approached by a group of Slytherin third years, including one Draco M.  
  
Draco M. yelled, "Let's go bother Lupin!" The others cheered and began to handle Lupin wherever they could get their hands on him, all the while mumbling, "Bother bother bother bother!"  
  
Lupin had no idea what was going on, and all he could do was feebly repeat, "Get off me, get off me!" all the while trying to reach the Great Hall.  
  
The students wouldn't 'get off' him until he had finally reached the Great Hall for breakfast.  
  
Later in the afternoon, when he had the third years (whom he had planned to tell something about Spiderflies), he was attacked again.  
  
Vincent C. and Gregory G. were particularly hard to get away from. "Botherbotherbotherbother," they kept saying, while Lupin had the utmost difficulty restraining himself from not running scared.  
  
At the end of the day, Lupin warily approached Snape, to finally put an end to all this bothering business.  
  
"Severus," he said, "a few of your third years have been bothering me slightly."  
  
Snape turned to him and raised an eyebrow. "What have they been doing to bother you?"  
  
Lupin blinked. "Well, you know," he said, gesturing helplessly. "They've just been bothering me."  
  
"There must be a way in which they have been bothering you," Snape insisted.  
  
"Very well, I'll show you then," Lupin said, and he rolled up his sleeves. He started towards Snape, who looked bewildered, his eyes going large.  
  
"Bother bother bother bother," mumbled Lupin, softly handling Snape, who started to tremble and mutter, "Get off me!" But Lupin, naturally, went on, since that had been exactly what the students had done.  
  
Suddenly, something snapped in Snape, and he ran off, screaming. Lupin remained left behind, staring at where Snape had left the Great Hall.  
  
"Right." Lupin said slowly. 


	20. The Day Lupin Was Confronted

The Day Lupin Was Confronted With The Infamous And Possibly Risky Prisoner Of Azkaban  
  
It was late in the evening, and Remus Lupin had quite had it with all the bothersome people around him. He decided he it would be good to go to bed early. As he was rummaging through his pyjamas - since they were usually not brought back from the laundry as whole pairs anymore (Lupin suspected some shirts had been thrown away), he had difficulty finding anything matching - he heard the door to his bedroom open behind him.  
  
"Who's there, and why didn't you knock before you entered?" he asked, turning around to the door. He stopped dead in his track when he saw he had come face to face with a large, scruffy black dog. His mouth became very dry and he swallowed hard, his eyes large in panic.  
  
"What are you doing here?" he whispered hoarsely, taking a few unconscious steps backwards.  
  
The dog immediately transformed back into the man he should be, naturally speaking. Tall, skinny as a corpse, a skull like face, long, tangled and unkempt black hair, and a pair of smouldering eyes, burning in their sockets; the grin, familiar from the old days, completed the picture of Sirius Black. Lupin took another few steps backwards, gulped again.  
  
"Hello, Remus," Black croaked, the grin on his face stretching just this bit further. "I was in the school, and I thought, why not visit my old friend Remus?"  
  
Lupin wiped the cold sweat from his forehead. "How did you know I'd be here?"  
  
"My conk told me so," said Black, tapping his nose and grinning. There was something quite unusual about this grin. Suddenly, Black took a few good steps across the room. Lupin hardly knew where to go; he stood rooted to the spot, his eyes larger than ever.  
  
"Remus," Black moaned, flinging his arms around Lupin, who had no clue of what was happening to him. "Remus, I've missed you so," Black whispered into his ear, breathing heavily and pressing his body close to Lupin's. Lupin didn't know what Black was up to, but he found himself again and wriggled in the escaped convict's grip, trying to free himself.  
  
At last, he could throw Black off of him. Black fell to the floor, and looked up at Lupin with a sort of hurt and playful look on his gaunt face.  
  
"Oh," he breathed, "You want to play a game?"  
  
"No," said Lupin indignantly. "I have no idea what you're talking about. You're an escaped mass-murderer and you're in my room. I don't want you near me!"  
  
Now Black looked genuinely hurt. "But Remus," he spluttered, trying a puppy- dog face - and failing miserably - "Don't you remember all the good days we had? All the intimate bits?"  
  
"All the intimate bits?" Lupin repeated suspiciously. "What intimate bits might you be referring to, apart from the normal intimate bits a group of best friends share?"  
  
"Er," said Black uneasily, "Actually, normal groups of friends DON'T share that kind of intimate bits. They're usually a bit TOO INTIMATE for mere friends."  
  
Lupin stared at Black, trying hard to recall exactly why those intimate bits could have been too intimate. He gulped.  
  
"You - You - " he said, raising an arm to point at Black, trembling with uncharacteristic rage. "You and James! You've forced me to - all those years you actually - made me do -"  
  
He never got to finish the sentence. There was a rap on the door that made both him and Black jerk their heads around at once.  
  
"You shouldn't be seen here, Black," gasped Lupin, staring at the door, calculating their chances.  
  
"So, you do want to - ?" asked Black tentatively, grinning again.  
  
"No, I don't," retorted Lupin, rolling his eyes. "I'm not desperate!"  
  
"You're celibate," Black pointed out. "That's the same."  
  
"Not as celibate as you'd want me to be," said Lupin mysteriously, and Black raised an eyebrow, but refrained from making a comment.  
  
Lupin helped him out though his office's back door. As soon as Black was gone, Lupin returned to see who had knocked.  
  
"Oh, hello, Professors," said Lupin cheerily and honestly innocent, opening the door to Sprout, Hooch, Sinistra and McGonagall. "Is it time for our games again?"  
  
The Professors smirked as Lupin let them in and they took off their robes to reveal nothing - that is, no underwear. "A cup of tea?" Lupin asked as he looked round his office's door. 


End file.
